Courage?

Dear friend,

Tonight I was sitting out on our porch enjoying the evening air, clear sky, and God's creation in general. I live on a corner that is surrounded by trees so it still feels secluded and peaceful. But tonight as I was talking to God...two very strange things happened. First, a truck drove by and slowed way down, stopping at the corner. Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? It's very unnerving. I wished I had turned the porch light off. Then, maybe ten minutes later, I started hearing footsteps approaching and immediately stopped talking out loud (I'm sure I looked like a crazy woman talking to herself).

I looked out into the street and it was a leather-jacketed man slowly walking by. I don't know why, but my heart went straight to my stomach and I felt scared. But, I decided the best thing to do was make eye contact so whoever he was he knew that I saw him. Plus, eye contact apparently intimidates, according to the experts :) So I watched this guy for a while, but then looked back down at my journal. I looked up again and he wasn't there anymore! I knew it had not been enough time for him to walk all the way around the corner, and at this time I felt a sense of dread. Did he go into the trees? What happened?

I saw that he was standing in the street behind the tree in our yard...just standing there. I couldn't tell if he was watching me, but I kept staring...giving him my most intense look (which in reality probably looks ridiculous) I could and prayed. Finally, after what seemed a while, he turns back around and starts walking in the direction he came from. I was tempted to go back in the house, but knew I would feel cowardly if I did. So I grabbed my Bible and read some Psalms and Isaiah passages loudly in case he was still nearby. These strange occurrences tonight caused me to wonder why I should fear sitting on my own porch enjoying God's creation? Why I have to even worry about these things? It's so frustrating to be a female sometimes! I don't always know the difference between cowardice and common sense.

Sometimes I wonder what courage is? I've always wanted to be seen as a brave woman with an adventurous spirit, but there are times I just plain feel scared. When I was little my dad taught me a verse to say when I was scared; it was Psalm 56:3.

"When I am afraid I will trust in You."

I would lay in bed sometimes as a child with my imagination going a thousand different places--convinced that something was in my room, that there were evil people outside my window, that E.T. was going to come and murder me (my brother Jonathan convinced me that aliens were real), etc. I would shut my eyes tightly, draw the covers close, and clench my fists saying that verse over and over again. "When I am afraid I will trust in You. When I am afraid I will trust in You. When I am afraid I WILL TRUST YOU!" My fearful feelings would not go away, but I would fall asleep choosing to believe that my God would watch over me.

"But YOU, O Lord, are a shield about me. My glory, and the One who lifts my head...I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me round about...In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for YOU alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety."
~Psalm 3:3,6, 8