Defined by Christ

Sometimes life is just hard.

Sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes for reasons I can't quite place. Sometimes I just make life hard, and sometimes I just feel anxious for no good reason. You know? That knotted feeling in your stomach that makes you wish that you could just throw it up and it would go away and leave you be. Yet it lingers, even after I pray, even after I fill my soul with Scripture, and sometimes I think, "What is my deal?" God says, "Be anxious about nothing, but present your requests to Me." So why am I still anxious?

Lately I am intimidated by a question: Am I truly giving the Lord God everything? All of me? It is an uncomfortable question to face...often I ignore it. Realizing what it can mean to give God everything...that scares me. I so want to be ready to be God's servant! To be literally a slave of His will--because His will is always for the good of His kingdom.

Adoniram and Ann Judson gave God everything. On their way over to Burma they lost their first child to a miscarriage, and worse Ann would have no English speaking women to relate to. It took them three years to learn the language which involved rigorous study of 12 hours a day. It was they who would eventually translate the Bible into Burmese and spend seven years there before reaching one soul for Christ. Their life was a far from comfortable one and a tragedy filled one. During their stay England went to war with Burma and Adoniram was imprisoned. "Their 17 months of captivity under the most appalling conditions seemed to Judson afterwards like "a horrid dream." During the forced eight-mile march from one priosn to another on scorching hot sand and gravel, Adoniram's feet were so lacerated that he had to be carried by the end--he apparently even contemplated suicide. Ann commented that he and his fellow prisoners "looked more like the dead than the living."

The only reason they survived was because of Ann's tireless efforts. While pregnant with her third child, Maria, Ann brought food and clothing to the prison and bribed the guards to make life a little better for the prisoners. According to legend, she sneaked Adoniram's Bible translation into prison, hidden in a pillow, so that he could continue working." Finally a peace treaty was signed but Ann died not too much longer after Adoniram's release from prison. 6 months later their daughter Maria died.

"The barbaric treatment he had endured, the "bitter, heart-rending anguish" of losing his beloved Ann, and the total destruction of his little church at Rangoon left Adoniram overcome with grief. For over a year he lived in a retreat in the woods, mourning his wife and child and struggling with his own past pride and ambition. He even dug his own grave and sat beside it, imagining how he would look lying in it. On the third anniversary of Ann's death, he wrote, "God is to me the Great Unknown. I believe in Him, but I find Him not."

But Adoniram's faith sustained him, and he threw himself into the tasks to which he believed God had called him. He worked feverishly on his translation of the Bible. The New Testament had now been printed, and he finished the Old Testament in early 1834.
(Much of excerpts taken from Christian History and Biography)

I read their story and I am humbled and inspired to see such sacrificial lives lived by two faithful souls. It gives me encouragement because so often I look at Christians I respect and I wonder if they ever get that knotted feeling from life circumstances, guilt, or even just anxiety. To know that we are all often walking around with similar feelings and knotted stomachs at times and thoughts of quitting gives me encouragement that together we can all pull through the knottedness, the lies, our failures, etc.

I find myself a weak copy of what I want to be. A weak copy of Christ. It's hard to serve when all of me wants to hide away and stay under the covers. The true test of faith comes when it takes everything in myself to press on for the Kingdom's purposes. When my flesh desires comfort but the Holy Spirit who lives in me pushes me to discomfort for the sake of greater purposes. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you are will you pray for me? Will you pray that I can lose self and be defined completely by Christ?

"Oh Jesus my Lord, may you define me in and out."

~Rebecca Jean