Defined by Christ

Sometimes life is just hard.

Sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes for reasons I can't quite place. Sometimes I just make life hard, and sometimes I just feel anxious for no good reason. You know? That knotted feeling in your stomach that makes you wish that you could just throw it up and it would go away and leave you be. Yet it lingers, even after I pray, even after I fill my soul with Scripture, and sometimes I think, "What is my deal?" God says, "Be anxious about nothing, but present your requests to Me." So why am I still anxious?

Lately I am intimidated by a question: Am I truly giving the Lord God everything? All of me? It is an uncomfortable question to face...often I ignore it. Realizing what it can mean to give God everything...that scares me. I so want to be ready to be God's servant! To be literally a slave of His will--because His will is always for the good of His kingdom.

Adoniram and Ann Judson gave God everything. On their way over to Burma they lost their first child to a miscarriage, and worse Ann would have no English speaking women to relate to. It took them three years to learn the language which involved rigorous study of 12 hours a day. It was they who would eventually translate the Bible into Burmese and spend seven years there before reaching one soul for Christ. Their life was a far from comfortable one and a tragedy filled one. During their stay England went to war with Burma and Adoniram was imprisoned. "Their 17 months of captivity under the most appalling conditions seemed to Judson afterwards like "a horrid dream." During the forced eight-mile march from one priosn to another on scorching hot sand and gravel, Adoniram's feet were so lacerated that he had to be carried by the end--he apparently even contemplated suicide. Ann commented that he and his fellow prisoners "looked more like the dead than the living."

The only reason they survived was because of Ann's tireless efforts. While pregnant with her third child, Maria, Ann brought food and clothing to the prison and bribed the guards to make life a little better for the prisoners. According to legend, she sneaked Adoniram's Bible translation into prison, hidden in a pillow, so that he could continue working." Finally a peace treaty was signed but Ann died not too much longer after Adoniram's release from prison. 6 months later their daughter Maria died.

"The barbaric treatment he had endured, the "bitter, heart-rending anguish" of losing his beloved Ann, and the total destruction of his little church at Rangoon left Adoniram overcome with grief. For over a year he lived in a retreat in the woods, mourning his wife and child and struggling with his own past pride and ambition. He even dug his own grave and sat beside it, imagining how he would look lying in it. On the third anniversary of Ann's death, he wrote, "God is to me the Great Unknown. I believe in Him, but I find Him not."

But Adoniram's faith sustained him, and he threw himself into the tasks to which he believed God had called him. He worked feverishly on his translation of the Bible. The New Testament had now been printed, and he finished the Old Testament in early 1834.
(Much of excerpts taken from Christian History and Biography)

I read their story and I am humbled and inspired to see such sacrificial lives lived by two faithful souls. It gives me encouragement because so often I look at Christians I respect and I wonder if they ever get that knotted feeling from life circumstances, guilt, or even just anxiety. To know that we are all often walking around with similar feelings and knotted stomachs at times and thoughts of quitting gives me encouragement that together we can all pull through the knottedness, the lies, our failures, etc.

I find myself a weak copy of what I want to be. A weak copy of Christ. It's hard to serve when all of me wants to hide away and stay under the covers. The true test of faith comes when it takes everything in myself to press on for the Kingdom's purposes. When my flesh desires comfort but the Holy Spirit who lives in me pushes me to discomfort for the sake of greater purposes. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you are will you pray for me? Will you pray that I can lose self and be defined completely by Christ?

"Oh Jesus my Lord, may you define me in and out."

~Rebecca Jean

LOVE

We often wonder, 'What is love? What does true love look like? How will I know when true love comes?, etc.' But Jesus didn't come to see who would love him first and then decide to die for them. The decision was already made that he would give his life for all people and love them first. Not only would he love them, but he would love them deeply and unconditionally.

Love, I feel she is tarnished by the meaning the world gives her. Love in the world is an "I'll love you because I get this from you or you do this for me." Love in Jesus' terms was, "I'll love you no matter how ugly, no matter how annoying, no matter how evil and wicked you are. I will love you before you ever do one thing for me." Love is patient and tenderly kind. She is not envious, angry, jealous, or conceited. She does not brag, she does not act unbecomingly, she does not seek her own. She ignores the wrongs done against her. She does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but steadfastly rejoices with her beloved companion, Truth. True Love, well she will never fail you or anyone else. She will bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things. Does True Love abide in you?

Do you ever feel you are trying so hard to please God yet every day you make the wrong decision, say the wrong thing, or don't do the thing you said you would? Recently I was talking with a dear friend and just pouring out how I've really been feeling lately.

"I'm just exhausted," I said. "Every morning I wake up and my whole body feels heavy and I dread facing the day. I have no motivation and I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. I don't understand what's wrong with me!"

"Becky," he said. "Know that Jesus loves you just as much even when you do nothing. His love is unconditional. You can't earn it. It can only be accepted."

I don't know how to explain the peace I felt after that conversation. All week I've been walking around once again amazed that Jesus loves me. Jesus love ME. And something is different inside of me--my soul has ceased striving. I'm not trying so hard--I'm just being.
There is simplicity and beauty in 'just being.' Life becomes lived more vividly and one is able to see people's hearts more clearly when she herself slows down. In the deep theology of JESUS LOVES YOU AND ME we can stop trying to earn God's love and start trying to give unconditional love ourselves. We can give a love that expects nothing in return. A love that makes herself vulnerable and gives until she hurts. See this, when we accept Jesus' love towards us and believe it we can then give the same to others.

May you bask in Jesus' love today and let it transform you wholly in and out.

Antique Man

Today, Monday, I went to the local coffee shop in Knoxville, IA because Shararose went to work. (I was visiting the Fishes this weekend)
I went in, ordered a Rasberry latte, and sat down with my overloaded, manly looking Swiss gear book bag. I always enjoy going to places by myself, especially out of town. There is a nice feeling to be lost in the crowd. To sit down in a place where no one knows you or anything about you. You are just you.

After working a couple hours on my internship stuff I decided to visit the local antique shop. Shararose and I had gone during my first visit to Knoxville and spent a good deal of time trying on hats. The owner was so nice. He took a picture of us each wearing a hat and printed off two copies. As we left he walked outside, cigar in mouth, and bid us goodbye with a smile.

I felt compelled to go back and look at the hats, but it was more an excuse to see this older gentleman again. I prayed that God would use the opportunity for me to share my faith. It was a bit awkward going by myself to try on hats. I walked in and he came around the corner not immediately recognizing me. "Anything I can help you with?" he asked with a big smile. I wondered if I was his only customer all morning. "Well, I just came to look at your hats," I replied. He walked back with me and remained standing in the doorway to the hat room. I felt a bit uncomfortable, but he left for a bit. I proceeded to pick up hat after hat and he would proceed to return and make small talk. I seem to pick up awkward experiences wherever I go. But the last time he came back to see how I was doing the conversation went deeper.

"My late wife was the one who was good at picking out antiques that would sell. I'm afraid I don't have that knack. A woman's eye for things is just different." And we began to talk about his family, how she had a stroke and during the same year her son had a brain annurism. He would visit her in the nursing home for 3-4 hours, but a couple years later she passed. The pain in his eyes was blatant, and I was worried he might cry right there. After sharing this part of his life he said, "Well, I'd better leave you alone to finish looking."

I picked out a hat for my sister Maria (we drink tea and wear hats) and went up to pay. He gave me a discount and as he was getting my change I said, "I know that this is a random question, but what is your name. I'd like to write it down in my little black prayer book and pray for you." He turned around and looked very perplexed. "Well, here's my business card," he said as he handed it across the desk. "Is there anything specific I can pray about?" I asked. He had gotten very awkward and uncomfortable. "No." Then silence. So I wrote down his name. Then paused, neither of us were saying a word...just standing there, and I assure you I felt extremely uncomfortable. But I believe God wants me to feel uncomfortable so that He can work.

Finally I said, "Look, I know you don't know me well, but I just have had it on my heart to ask if you have a relationship with God." And his face grew redder and redder. It seemed out of anger, but I couldn't be sure. "I guess you could say I have a casual relationship. I like to go in the woods and talk to Him, but I'm not a Bible thumper or anything like that." I nodded. He kept talking. "Look, I guess I believe in God but I don't have a relationship. Honestly I was very angry with Him for taking my wife and couldn't understand how her son could die in the same year as her stroke..."

"I understand that it would be natural to feel that way. I'm very sorry that happened," I replied. To summarize the rest of the conversation I ended up sharing with him why I wanted to ask him if he knew God well, and told him I wasn't offended that he didn't agree. But in the process of telling him how there was a time in my life when I had no hope I started crying! Ahhh, I don't know what's wrong with me at times. "I'm not crying because I'm sad." I told him. "I'm crying because if I didn't have hope in God and His word I probably wouldn't be here today because there was a time in my life when I wanted to kill myself. It wasn't until I turned back to God that I found real joy and meaning. And so that's why I hope you can find that someday too. I'm not asking you to agree with my beliefs, but I do think you and I have a responsibility to really seek the truth. To find out if there is truth to the Bible. Because if there is and we're not following it then we're in trouble."

While I shared with him his eyes grew watery; I have no idea what was going through his mind. He told me to stop by again when I was in town next, and I'll be praying for him until I do. Will you pray for him also? The antique man? I learned through this experience that sharing the gospel is embarrassing and awkward and not smooth at all, but that it's okay. I felt ridiculous crying in front of this man I'd only met for the second time, but I hope he saw the depth to those tears. The truth to my hope in God. He'd told me earlier that I had a wonderful smile, and I told him before I left, "I want you to know my smile is only wonderful because I truly have something to smile about. Something more than material, family, or friends. Something lasting and outside of this deteriorating world." (Though I'm sure it didn't come out so smoothly).

Whether an antique shop or porn shop or gas station there are people waiting to hear.
It's not our responsibility if they accept, but it is ours to tell.

"It is the Christians, O Emperor, who have sought and found the truth, for they have acknowledged God. They do not keep for themselves the goods entrusted them. They do not covet what belongs to others. They show love to their neighbors. They do not do to another what they would not wish to have done to themselves. They speak gently to those who oppress them and in this way they make them their friends. It has become their passion to do good to their enemies. They live in awareness of their smallness. Everyone of them who has anything gives ungrudgingly to the one who has nothing...

If they see a traveling stranger, they bring him under their roof. They rejoice over him as over a real brother, for they do not call one another brothers, after the flesh, but they know they are in the Spirit and in God. If they hear that one of them is imprisoned or oppressed for the sake of Christ, they take care of all His needs. If possible they set him free. If anyone among them is poor or comes into want while they themselves have nothing to spare, they fast two or three days for him. In this way they can supply any poor man with the food he needs. This emperor, is the rule of life of the Christians and this is their manner of life." ~Aristides 137 AD

Have we lost this concept? We preach on becoming servants yet seem to place greater importance on being leaders in ministry and teaching this world of their ignorance. Don't get me wrong--I am all for reaching the lost, but I sometimes wonder why there is such a push to be a leader for the kingdom when so few of us have first sought to be learners and listeners. While we scorn the Pharisees for their hypocritical attitudes we ourselves attempt to live out a dignified Christianity. High priority is placed on being respectable in one's ministry, but most of us do not know what it feels to be naked before others, despised and rejected by men. Our Savior does.

I'm tired of this idea that as a Christian I deserve respect. I don't deserve anything. I do not want to serve in order to get respect, and yet sometimes this is an underlying motive. Even as I'm singing sometimes and find myself moved to tears by what Jesus has done for me I am ashamed. I hold back a part of myself in worship because I don't want to feel embarrassed or weak from my tears.

I want to be like the woman who wiped Jesus feet with her tears, perfume, and hair.

It wasn't about her humiliation--it was about her Lord.

One Fine Day

Oh what a beautiful morning! I didn't wake up early this morning but when I did I decided to go for a run. I live closer to the countryside than I realized and one day I went running and realized that past just 3 or 4 blocks and over the overpass is the beautiful Missouri countryside. Drowsily I put on my tennis shoes, walked out the door, and just ran. The air was fresh, leaves rustically red, yellow, green, and orange, and temperature 65 degrees F. It was a golden day.

It's mornings like these when I'm reminded of the importance of appreciating beauty, and thanking God for the intricate work of His hands. I feel most beautiful when the breeze kisses my face and the sun is smiling down on me. When I'm running alone and talking to my Father I feel more alive than ever. Sadly in this urbanized world I often forget what freshness feels like.

To top the morning off I went to The Brick with Rachel Davis for breakfast and had a lovely talk as always. She is one of my favorite people with her sweet spirit, fantastic ear, and godly heart. AND she is staying with me over Christmas break God willing.

There are just some days when life is allowed to be simple and wonderful.
Thank you God for one fine day.

Humbleness. Not Learned in a Day.

Have you ever become so entangled with service that you began to forget Who it was you were serving? Do you ever turn every corner just to have yet another weakness stare you in the face? This sums up the past few months of my life. God is teaching me a difficult lesson...a lesson of my nothingness and lack of humbleness. I've always hoped to do big things with my life, live out an amazing missionary story, do something heroic, etc...all that sap. But lately I've realized the beauty in being a servant and living out a natural relationship with my Savior and Maker. Effective Service springs from a humble heart seeking to know the heart of God. What makes Him smile? What makes Him sad? What makes Him angry? These are the questions we should be asking.
I am in my Senior year at Central but by no means do I feel ready to figure out what's next. In fact, due to my own inability to balance my schedule in an efficient way I will not be graduating in the Spring. I've opted to lessen my hours next semester and go part-time for the Fall sememester of 09'. I am disappointed in myself, but I feel this is the best option right now.
I've been attempting to fix my problems and my weaknesses before focusing on my relationship with God, and what a sorry mess that makes because it DOESN'T WORK. Right now I'm in the process of uncluttering this heart of mine and filling it with things that matter to my Lord Jesus Christ. If you read this will you pray for me? I prayed for humbleness and it's painful to realize how selfish I am. Mr. Reese once said, "Humbleness is desiring to make another Queen instead of yourself. It's making another look better than yourself." I am so very far from this, and it is a rare and beautiful person who lives this out.
I want to lose myself, but this is not done in a day.

All I Cannot See

"All that I have seen readies me to trust the Creator for all that I cannot see," writes Ralph Waldo Emerson. Trusting in the unseen--a difficult concept to sincerely apply to one's life. I have seen the mighty hand of God intercede many times, yet I still doubt and frequently pray, "Lord, help me overcome my unbelief!" At times only I know the gut-wrenching feelings within and the Devil's wicked lies.

Within the past year I have been testing Matthew 7:7-8 which says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." One day I read it and thought, "God can only answer my prayers as far as my belief in His ability to do so!" Sitting alone with my Bible in my hands, I stared at those words and wondered how much more God would do if I took Him seriously at His word. "Okay Lord, Here I'm going to start taking You at Your word more seriously."

It is one thing to journal privately about the things the Lord has done in my life, but of what encouragement or value can that be to others? This blog is begins a public record and testimony of the mighty hand of God at work in my life. I hope that you, the reader, will pray for me as I'm on this exciting journey.

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Cheng du, China: To Go or not to Go?

Months before every summer I go through the same process of asking God to reveal His will for me in what to do that summer. Months before this summer of 2008 I have been asking and asking, "Lord, where do you want me to go?" It is a most confusing thing because first I thought about Thailand (which was where I was born), then I thought of working at an orphanage in Haiti, but all the while China would not leave my heart.

It seemed the China idea came together. I was going to stay with a beautiful Christian couple there in Cheng du, study Chinese with a tutor 15 hrs a week, build relationships with English speaking University students, and hopefully learn from a couple who owns a Christian coffee shop there. But the wife of the couple I was to stay with got hit by a car and they decided to come back for the summer (which I am glad for because I think it will be nice for them to spend time with their families). After this I thought about working at an orphange in Taiwan, but I prayed, "Dear Father close the doors if You don't want me to go,"and the next day I recieved a phone call that they didn't need me for this summer. So now I am back to plan zero. But I think this is good because God sees the whole realm of things.

I am praying that the doors will open to China, and I am excited to post when they do.

May the peace of God fill your heart on this day He has given you!